7 Steps for Surviving a Break Up
12 months ago
Now Reading: 7 Steps for Surviving a Break Up
12 months ago
The first piece of writing I ever had published was about break ups. I wrote it in my last year of high school and it was titled ‘If Your Heart was Truly Broken, You’d be Dead.’ That cynical title sets the tone of the piece pretty well. You can read it here, but before you do, let me give a bit of a disclaimer.
I wrote the article a couple of weeks after breaking up with my best friend. I don’t mean that in the obligatory-refer-to-your-significant-other-as-your-best-friend-in-a-Facebook-anniversay-post kind of way. I mean this girl had been my best friend and partner in crime for several years before we starting going out. Our relationship was a John Green novel just waiting to happen. Once we started dating, everyone just assumed it was going to last.
The break up was a lot to process, and generally, when I’m trying to process something, I write. So, I figured I would write an article about break ups.
What I quickly realised was that everyone – from gossip magazines to university professors – wanted to weigh in on the topic of romantic rejection. What’s more, most of their advice was utter garbage. Seriously, the number of publications that seemed to think getting a pet was the best way to navigate your ‘conscious uncoupling’ was staggering. If I bought an animal every time a relationship ended, I would now possess a rather respectable petting zoo.
But my article was going to be different. It was going to cut right to the heart of the teenaged break-up and speak to the souls of angsty seventeen year-olds everywhere. Looking back, it’s not actually the greatest piece of writing. Which is fine. I’m sure Michelangelo’s first painting was garbage as well.
It’s been 5 years since I wrote If your heart was truly broken and I’ve certainly had my fair share of break ups in the meantime. So I wanted to tackle this topic again, with a little less cynicism and a lot more straight-up honesty.
Think of this post like a break-up first aid kit – it’s not going to give you everything you need long-term, but it might just help you survive that initial period of brain-melting emotional turmoil where every second thing reminds you of your ex.
As a general rule, break ups suck. It’s scientifically proven. A study carried out by Rutgers University found remarkable similarities between the neurological effects of break ups and cocaine addiction. That’s right – cocaine addiction. Your emotional state right now resembles that someone craving a Class-A drug. No wonder the triple-fudge ice-cream doesn’t seem to cut it.
Neuro-imaging scans revealed that both romantic rejection and drug addiction triggered activation in areas of the brain associated with motivation and reward, craving and addiction, and physical pain and distress.
In the next little while, you’re probably going to be hit with feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, anxiety, disappointment, regret, emptiness, numbness, or all of the above. When faced with this particular emotional cocktail, it’s tempting to chase it down with one of the following items off the Extremely-Poor-Decisions Menu:
The problem with all of the above is that they’re temporary distractions. They might defer whatever you’re feeling for a while, but it’s going to catch up with you eventually. When it does, the confrontation probably won’t be improved by a hang-over or an additional broken heart in the mix.
Unfortunately, the only (healthy) way to get thorough a break up is straight through the middle. That probably means feeling like crap for a while, regardless of which side of the break-up you were on.
What’s important is accepting where you’re at, and doing whatever you need to do to let yourself feel it – write it down, talk to a friend, listen to an Adele album on repeat. If you need to treat yo’ self, then go for it: stay home, buy a new pair of kicks, adhere to a strict diet of chocolate and bacon.
(I should probably add a caveat here: maybe it won’t suck. Once, when I broke off a relationship that had ended up pretty toxic, there wasn’t really any sadness or anger. Walking away, the overwhelming feeling was one of relief. Every break up is different. Maybe it will suck for way longer than it should, and you’ll need to get some professional help from a counsellor or psychologist. That’s ok too.)
A liquid diet of tears and melted ice-cream may be exactly what you need on day one, but to restore some sense of normalcy to your life, it’s important to get into good habits.
Eat healthy. You’re already exhibiting neurological symptoms akin to drug withdrawal; the least you can do is provide your body with basic nutrients. You don’t have to throw out the chocolate stashed next to the tissues, but go eat a carrot or something. And don’t skip meals, even when the only thing you’re hungering for is your ex’s tender embrace.
Get plenty of sleep. At least a solid 7+ hours every night. I’ve found few things are more effective at restoring some semblance of emotional equilibrium than a good night’s rest.
Exercise. It releases endorphins (the feel-good chemicals) and you’re probably pretty short on those at the moment. Join a gym, buy a punching bag, or just go for a walk. If you don’t have any kind of exercise routine, make a commitment to do something active for 30 minutes, every day, for the next 30 days.
After a break-up, I have often felt a significant sense of loss. Not (just) because I miss my ex, but because my daily habits were shaped, to some extent, by being in relationship with her. I hadn’t just broken up with the person, I’d broken up with a significant part of my day-to-day life and in its place was this giant empty space.
To fill the void, you’ve got to keep busy. One of the best ways to do this is to (re)connect with friends and family. Spending time with your squad will help feed your need for human connection, even when all you want to do is hide yourself away like a swamp monster. Plus, talking things over with someone might give you some clarity on the relationship that you can’t see amidst the chaos.
It probably won’t feel like it straight away, but being single actually rocks. You’ve suddenly got a whole bunch of extra free time to learn to surf, improve your culinary prowess, or fix motorcycles. Just whatever you do…
You might want to remind yourself that This too shall pass by getting the words tattooed in Old English 72pt font on your rib cage, but hold off for a couple of months. The same goes for changing your hairstyle, place of work/study, and country of residence. If you’re still listening to Adele on repeat, you’re probably not in the best place to make life-lasting decisions.
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Even if one of you has dropped the “just friends” bomb, your break up probably won’t lead to a solid friendship. Even if it does, it definitely isn’t going to lead to one right away.
Give yourself some space to work though steps 1-3 and figure out what your life looks like without this relationship. Any contact with your ex can re-open old wounds, so try to go on a total he/she-tox for at least a month. Unfriend them, unfollow them and take down the 15th century oil portrait of them you have hanging in the living room.
Do it now. I’ll wait.
Also, getting back together a week after you’ve broken up is a TOTAL violation of Steps 1, 2, and 3b. Before you can decide whether it’s worth another shot, or if you should even stay friends, you need to make a clean break for a while.
(Caveat No.2: There might be times when it’s important to communicate with your ex. Maybe you need to return some of their stuff, you’re in the same classes, or you’re wondering why your Netflix password has suddenly changed. Where contact is inevitable, keep it civil and keep it to a minimum.)
I hope you get to skip this step. Honestly though, for most people, it ends up being the hardest step of all. This is where the post moves from break-up first-aid to long-term healing.
Even when a relationship ends on good terms, people can still be hurting. You might blame the other party for what went wrong; something might have been left unsaid, or maybe you’re just struggling to grapple with failed expectations.
If you do end up reading If your heart was truly broken, you’ll notice there’s a distinct lack of anything about forgiveness. At the time of writing, I still hadn’t forgiven my ex. Deep down, I think I believed that as long as I held on to what I was feeling, I’d have some kind of moral high ground.
There’s a whole bunch of reasons why we struggle to forgive – from feeling like we totally hate the other person to just not knowing where to start. Moving forward from this point, it’s important to understand what forgiveness is – and what it isn’t:
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of the grievance you’re holding against someone else. It means letting go of any feelings of bitterness, resentment, and vengeance you hold towards that person.
Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. That’s denial.
Forgiving doesn’t mean excusing the wrong or saying it doesn’t matter. It just means letting go of the resentment. Forgiveness says, “I know what you did. It hurt. But I’m not going to hold it against you.”
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. You don’t have to be best friends with someone after you forgive them. Reconciliation with the person who hurt you is definitely something to be weighed up, but if re-connecting is going to do more harm than good, or it’s just not the right time (see Step 4), then steer clear.
Finally, forgiveness is an act of the will, not an emotion. You don’t have to feel forgiving to forgive. Heck, most of the time you probably won’t, and the hurt you’re feeling probably won’t just disappear. But regardless of how you’re feeling, forgiving will be a massive step on the road to healing.
(And if you’re struggling to forgive yourself, click here.)
On the whole, I’ve found post-break up me adopts one of two worldviews:
Neither worldview is true, but it can certainly feel either way when you’re at the bottom of a break up.
It’s been agony trying to get through this post without every second line sounding like an inspirational wall-hanging but, if do feel like you’re at the bottom, then the only way to go is up.
So let it suck, love yourself, keep busy, DON’T make any drastic life decisions, DO make a clean break, forgive them, and through it all, try to stay hopeful. Time is the great healer here, and it’s been my experience that the hardest stuff is where we grow the most.